Ok- I am going to say his whole name- Don Lucas- he is now a rather well-known and popular jewelry designer (Southwest). But at the time I dated him, he was a rather clunky, loud, entertaining boyfriend. My parents ADORED him. This story is more about my mom's honesty, love, and confidence in me than about him. He and his wife are still great friends of mine- they have a million kids (ok- only 5 or 6?) and now grandkids.
I have a hundred "Don Lucas" stories. But this is my favorite. I was babysitting (I did that a lot) for some people 2 doors down with 3 really great kids. I think I was 15. Don went out with his buddies so when he turned up at the house (kids were asleep, all was peaceful) drunk, I should not have been surprised. So I put on my "let's fix this" determination that later got me through college, careers, etc. I instructed him to the back of the house and set a kettle of water to boil. This was combined with instant coffee and I walked him in circles in that backyard, constantly aware that I was leaving the children "alone" (ok- phone was right there- I was no more than 5 feet away). Finally, I thought he was 'good' and he went to the front to catch his buddies as they drove by.
Parents of the kids got home- they were somewhat 'snooty'- immediately asked if I knew the kid "passed out on the lawn". I peered out and realized it was Don. I admitted it was my boyfriend. The mom (looked a lot like Jackie Kennedy with a snarl) said smugly"I am not going to tell your parents, but I think you should."
I slept little that night- the next morning, I sat with my mom and told her the whole story- Don had gotten drunk with his friends, showed up at the door of our neighbors and allowed me to walk him in circles in the backyard, etc. She looked at me very solemnly.
"What do you think I should do?" I asked, weighing the options of a break-up or big scene. She paused and said "I think you should not babysit for those people anymore."
And that is my best story for taking care of our elders- are we watching their backs? Are we tending our gut feelings about who is "on their side"? Are we ignoring what "looks right" and choosing what "is right"?
It is funny to think about that story. My parents put Don on "time-out" and we didn't date the rest of the summer as I recall. But they instinctively knew he was "good people" and they had confidence in me. It all circled back around- I crack up now thinking of my mom's response, but she was right in the "side" she was taking. I pray I took her and my Pop's side in the same way- in the right way.
May 19, 2009
May 13, 2009
Barb's Tale of her Daddy
Hi Sally and all - I haven't read much on your site because I've been pretty busy. But I do have something to share.
As you mentioned, my Daddy passed away last week. I'd like to share some background to get to my point. I had put both of my parents on hospice care since the first of the year. It is a Godsend, particularly for a single caregiver. Anyway, Daddy fell one night at the assisted living place where he lived "down the hall" from Mother. (He had a head so hard that I hope that I've inherited that gene!) Anyway, the hospice nurse came in and said his hip appeared to be broken and he was in a lot of pain. I chose to stop hospice and have him admitted to the hospital. They operated on his hip the next day and also discovered he had fractured his neck, high up in a bad place. I elected no surgery for that. He went into a neck brace and spent the week in the hospital pulling out everything that was attached to his body, from catheters (ouch) to IV's to the neck brace. It was not good.
He obviously could not return to assisted living since they could not provide 24 hour nursing care and I couldn't afford it. Hospice (did I say they are wonderful?) found me a residential care facility owned and run by a former hospice nurse. They had a 24 hour caregiver, and the hospice people would be there daily with the nurse coming twice a week. We moved him into his own room on April 29th.There were only 5 people living there. Where have those places been??? Anyway, they quickly gave up on the neck brace because Daddy kept yanking it off and we were afraid he would do more harm by doing that. They kept him out of pain. We talked over the weekend and he was ok, wanting to see the rest of the house and really liking the folks there. He was having trouble swallowing, something of a problem we had dealt with off and on for a few months. His health deteriorated rapidly. The nurse called me on Tuesday, the 5th and said they were worried about him. On the 6th they said he couldn't get anything down. I went over, taking a milkshake to see if we could crush a pain pill in it. (Daddy and I drank a lot of milkshakes over the past year, always on our drives around to doctors, etc.) When I arrived, I saw he was out of it and wouldn't be able to take anything.
The hospice nurse came and the hospice chaplain came. We were with him for a little over an hour. I told him I'd take care of mother and to please let go. He opened his eyes and I think he knew I was there. And then he was gone.
All of that is just so I can tell you this: The hospice chaplain who sees Mother called to tell me he was sorry about Daddy. He said that by coincidence he had gone to visit the facility that day, and he was actually with my Mother when Daddy passed away. And my Mother, who doesn't talk much and is very quiet, said, "George is around here now." I think - hell, I KNOW - that Daddy was checking up on her one last time. They were married 66 years and that was his job.
Whew. - I love you all. Barbara
Barbara then Post Scripted this today:
I can also add one more thing that a caregiver of Mother's told me yesterday:
Mother is usually very quiet and unanimated. On Wednesday (the day my Daddy died), mother was smiling and seeming to have a conversation with him. She told him it was ok to leave to the light, and she was ok. This aide did not know about Daddy but was really shocked when she found out this took place while he was leaving this earth.
No one at mother's residence has told her about his passing, but I was there yesterday and she seems to be grieving somewhat. It's hard to put my finger on it, but all of her caregivers mentioned it, too. So, she knows, even though she doesn't "really" know. And I don't think she will be far behind.
As you mentioned, my Daddy passed away last week. I'd like to share some background to get to my point. I had put both of my parents on hospice care since the first of the year. It is a Godsend, particularly for a single caregiver. Anyway, Daddy fell one night at the assisted living place where he lived "down the hall" from Mother. (He had a head so hard that I hope that I've inherited that gene!) Anyway, the hospice nurse came in and said his hip appeared to be broken and he was in a lot of pain. I chose to stop hospice and have him admitted to the hospital. They operated on his hip the next day and also discovered he had fractured his neck, high up in a bad place. I elected no surgery for that. He went into a neck brace and spent the week in the hospital pulling out everything that was attached to his body, from catheters (ouch) to IV's to the neck brace. It was not good.
He obviously could not return to assisted living since they could not provide 24 hour nursing care and I couldn't afford it. Hospice (did I say they are wonderful?) found me a residential care facility owned and run by a former hospice nurse. They had a 24 hour caregiver, and the hospice people would be there daily with the nurse coming twice a week. We moved him into his own room on April 29th.There were only 5 people living there. Where have those places been??? Anyway, they quickly gave up on the neck brace because Daddy kept yanking it off and we were afraid he would do more harm by doing that. They kept him out of pain. We talked over the weekend and he was ok, wanting to see the rest of the house and really liking the folks there. He was having trouble swallowing, something of a problem we had dealt with off and on for a few months. His health deteriorated rapidly. The nurse called me on Tuesday, the 5th and said they were worried about him. On the 6th they said he couldn't get anything down. I went over, taking a milkshake to see if we could crush a pain pill in it. (Daddy and I drank a lot of milkshakes over the past year, always on our drives around to doctors, etc.) When I arrived, I saw he was out of it and wouldn't be able to take anything.
The hospice nurse came and the hospice chaplain came. We were with him for a little over an hour. I told him I'd take care of mother and to please let go. He opened his eyes and I think he knew I was there. And then he was gone.
All of that is just so I can tell you this: The hospice chaplain who sees Mother called to tell me he was sorry about Daddy. He said that by coincidence he had gone to visit the facility that day, and he was actually with my Mother when Daddy passed away. And my Mother, who doesn't talk much and is very quiet, said, "George is around here now." I think - hell, I KNOW - that Daddy was checking up on her one last time. They were married 66 years and that was his job.
Whew. - I love you all. Barbara
Barbara then Post Scripted this today:
I can also add one more thing that a caregiver of Mother's told me yesterday:
Mother is usually very quiet and unanimated. On Wednesday (the day my Daddy died), mother was smiling and seeming to have a conversation with him. She told him it was ok to leave to the light, and she was ok. This aide did not know about Daddy but was really shocked when she found out this took place while he was leaving this earth.
No one at mother's residence has told her about his passing, but I was there yesterday and she seems to be grieving somewhat. It's hard to put my finger on it, but all of her caregivers mentioned it, too. So, she knows, even though she doesn't "really" know. And I don't think she will be far behind.
World War 2
Hi everyone
I shared this recently with several people but it always strikes me when our loved ones move on after we have worried and fretted over them so I will share it with you:
When I was in high school and college, I was fascinated with WW2- unlike my sister, I was not a rigorous history student. But Pop fought in WW2 in the Pacific- got a Purple Heart and he mostly spoke reverently about the goals and the pride. In college, I went with friends to Europe and in Germany we visited Dachau Concentration Camp. It impacted me deeply (we asked the Germans working there why they had turned it into a museum that so clearly made them look like such 'bad guys' and the answer was "so it will never happen again"- and later I worked in Germany and saw the anger of the younger people towards parents who "let it happen" and experienced the fantastic intelligence, wit, knowledge and caring of these people who I believe will insure it "never happens again"). Anyway during that tour of the museum, it hit me like a thunderbolt- my Pop and all the young men and women who participated in that war HAD NO IDEA HOW IT WAS GOING TO TURN OUT. I had grown up knowing that Hitler was defeated- the world was put in order- the U.S. led the healing, etc- but when it was going on NO ONE KNEW HOW IT WOULD END! I think of that with our care of our beloved elders. We take each day, and we do what we can do and we love them and pray for them, but we don't really know how the ending will evolve. With my own parents, my mom allowed my sister and I to experience a long farewell and for me to be with her when that incredible spirit lifted off. My Pop, on the other hand, grabbed the brass ring and did the exit as quickly as possible- but both of them came to visit a bit right after. I have had a lot of feelings of peace about them because I knew they loved me with few conditions, and I hope they knew how much I returned that love and NOW I KNOW HOW IT ENDS.
I shared this recently with several people but it always strikes me when our loved ones move on after we have worried and fretted over them so I will share it with you:
When I was in high school and college, I was fascinated with WW2- unlike my sister, I was not a rigorous history student. But Pop fought in WW2 in the Pacific- got a Purple Heart and he mostly spoke reverently about the goals and the pride. In college, I went with friends to Europe and in Germany we visited Dachau Concentration Camp. It impacted me deeply (we asked the Germans working there why they had turned it into a museum that so clearly made them look like such 'bad guys' and the answer was "so it will never happen again"- and later I worked in Germany and saw the anger of the younger people towards parents who "let it happen" and experienced the fantastic intelligence, wit, knowledge and caring of these people who I believe will insure it "never happens again"). Anyway during that tour of the museum, it hit me like a thunderbolt- my Pop and all the young men and women who participated in that war HAD NO IDEA HOW IT WAS GOING TO TURN OUT. I had grown up knowing that Hitler was defeated- the world was put in order- the U.S. led the healing, etc- but when it was going on NO ONE KNEW HOW IT WOULD END! I think of that with our care of our beloved elders. We take each day, and we do what we can do and we love them and pray for them, but we don't really know how the ending will evolve. With my own parents, my mom allowed my sister and I to experience a long farewell and for me to be with her when that incredible spirit lifted off. My Pop, on the other hand, grabbed the brass ring and did the exit as quickly as possible- but both of them came to visit a bit right after. I have had a lot of feelings of peace about them because I knew they loved me with few conditions, and I hope they knew how much I returned that love and NOW I KNOW HOW IT ENDS.
May 11, 2009
Doctor Visits With Parents
I refer to Yvonne in an earlier entry. She lives in Mobile and is a lifetime friend for me. I recently got to see and visit with her for the first time in many years. She caught me up on her parents. They are in their 80s and still mentally and physically active. Her dad was always an "individual". He did it "his way" continually and could be the brilliant uncle you love to death or the Unibomber depending on the moment or topic of conversation. Her mother is bright, good-natured, a great cook and VERY southern.
When Yvonne told me she did not have copies of their Living Wills and did not know their medical situations very well, I fussed loudly "That's fine today, but tomorrow you might be making decisions for them and you need to be involved!" She had already been pushing, but she went full measure- anyway- she sent me this story. Who can relate? From Yvonne:
I went to the doctor with my mom the other day; first time. She said she wasn't sure she wanted me to go, but when I showed up, she let me go back with her.
So, the doctor says, "Your blood pressure is up a bit". Mama said, "Well it doesn't feel like it".
The doctor said "That's why they call it the silent killer".
Mama said, "well, it doesn't feel high and my blood pressure cuff at home doesn't say that it is."
So, the kind doctor told her to record her blood pressure over the next month and then come back and bring her cuff and they would compare the findings with his.
So, the doctor says "Is there anything else bothering you?"
"Yes, my back." "What are you doing for it?" "I take a Tylenol, sometimes two." "Well why don't you take another one and see if that helps?" "No, that stuff isn't good for you." "You can take up to eight a day. It's easier to take than an arthritis medicine." "I'll think about it."
"Do you exercise?" "I exercise every day." "What do you do?" "I work around the house and in the yard." "You might need to do a different kind of exercise, like walking." "I do. When I go to the grocery store I walk up and down the aisles an extra time." (note from Sally: if you are not LOLing by this time, get me to drop you from the distribution list- you are not nor have ever been associated with a caretaker)
She then said to him, "Bill (Yvonne's dad) didn't like it that he didn't get to come too."
The doctor said "His blood pressure is okay. We need to get yours a little better."
She again insisted "I don't feel like I have high blood pressure."
(Yvonne asks the doc)"Have you ever met anyone in your practice like my daddy?"
"No, never. Your dad comes in here with copious notes and asks every possible question imaginable."
"Then he goes home and does what he wants"
"Your mom, on the other hand, doesn't say much. But she too goes home and does what she wants."
He really was a fine doctor: patient and allowed her time to discuss anything she wanted to discuss. I did not know whether to laugh or cry. I knew that if I laughed, Mama might not let me come back and I needed to begin the process of getting better information. I didn't cry, even knowing that my parents grow more stubborn about their medical care.
Actually, I saw too much of myself. The last time I had my cholesterol checked, I declared unfair advantage in that it was checked right after Christmas and I hadn't had time to study for the test!
Back at home... Yvonne's 83 year old dad was fixing the house airconditioner himself. The motor had gone out. This in-between writing copious notes for his doctor.
When Yvonne told me she did not have copies of their Living Wills and did not know their medical situations very well, I fussed loudly "That's fine today, but tomorrow you might be making decisions for them and you need to be involved!" She had already been pushing, but she went full measure- anyway- she sent me this story. Who can relate? From Yvonne:
I went to the doctor with my mom the other day; first time. She said she wasn't sure she wanted me to go, but when I showed up, she let me go back with her.
So, the doctor says, "Your blood pressure is up a bit". Mama said, "Well it doesn't feel like it".
The doctor said "That's why they call it the silent killer".
Mama said, "well, it doesn't feel high and my blood pressure cuff at home doesn't say that it is."
So, the kind doctor told her to record her blood pressure over the next month and then come back and bring her cuff and they would compare the findings with his.
So, the doctor says "Is there anything else bothering you?"
"Yes, my back." "What are you doing for it?" "I take a Tylenol, sometimes two." "Well why don't you take another one and see if that helps?" "No, that stuff isn't good for you." "You can take up to eight a day. It's easier to take than an arthritis medicine." "I'll think about it."
"Do you exercise?" "I exercise every day." "What do you do?" "I work around the house and in the yard." "You might need to do a different kind of exercise, like walking." "I do. When I go to the grocery store I walk up and down the aisles an extra time." (note from Sally: if you are not LOLing by this time, get me to drop you from the distribution list- you are not nor have ever been associated with a caretaker)
She then said to him, "Bill (Yvonne's dad) didn't like it that he didn't get to come too."
The doctor said "His blood pressure is okay. We need to get yours a little better."
She again insisted "I don't feel like I have high blood pressure."
(Yvonne asks the doc)"Have you ever met anyone in your practice like my daddy?"
"No, never. Your dad comes in here with copious notes and asks every possible question imaginable."
"Then he goes home and does what he wants"
"Your mom, on the other hand, doesn't say much. But she too goes home and does what she wants."
He really was a fine doctor: patient and allowed her time to discuss anything she wanted to discuss. I did not know whether to laugh or cry. I knew that if I laughed, Mama might not let me come back and I needed to begin the process of getting better information. I didn't cry, even knowing that my parents grow more stubborn about their medical care.
Actually, I saw too much of myself. The last time I had my cholesterol checked, I declared unfair advantage in that it was checked right after Christmas and I hadn't had time to study for the test!
Back at home... Yvonne's 83 year old dad was fixing the house airconditioner himself. The motor had gone out. This in-between writing copious notes for his doctor.
May 8, 2009
Transitions
Hi Everyone
I am trying to be sure I set everyone up to be able to contribute to the blog if they are not already. If you want to contribute, and don't have password, etc. please email me at Grumbles@bellsouth.net
Now on to recent thoughts:
Lately a couple of our "regulars" had loved ones who have moved on (one is our Barb in a previous entry where she told about her dad- he has now gone on but chose for her to be with him at the time!). I have been touched that they have had the privilege to actually be with their loved one at time of passing. I FIRMLY believe that people make their choices if at all possible (someone on the field of battle or on an exploding airplane I don't believe can always say "Hmmm- I would like my Uncle Harry to be with me" but in most circumstances I think we can choose.- Read Final Gifts- a wonderful book by Hospice workers who would support what I am saying.)
First, I will say that when those we love leave their body behind, it is a SHOCK no matter how "expected" it might be. Therefore when we fawn over those people and treat them as if they have had a "shock" I think it is entirely appropriate. So do all the stuff- take food, send cards, call and let them cry, etc. It is lovely- nowhere is it done better than in the South I think!
I was able to be with my mother at the moment she left our world and it was extremely spiritual. I never was so certain of how our bodies are "containers" for our spirits and how powerful those spirits can be! I don't know if I will want to include my son during my own passing- I am very private (who would know? I'm so noisy!) so may choose to just exit- my dad did that. Nobody was with him and he just said "buh bye" and was out of there! Think he had glimpsed my mom and was going for it!
Anyway- my experiences with the dying and those left behind has never done anything but affirm my faith in our God. But send up prayers for those left behind ok? There are so many moments when it "sneaks up on you" and you are a puddle of tears before you know it. Mine was shopping for Christmas trees because my adorable dad and I always found the "Charlie Brown" one and got such joy out of the tinsel and lights. I have a artificial tree now and haven't gone for the live one in many years because I get so melancholy. Maybe when there are grandchildren in my life! Enough ramblings- if you are reading this, I love you. Sally
I am trying to be sure I set everyone up to be able to contribute to the blog if they are not already. If you want to contribute, and don't have password, etc. please email me at Grumbles@bellsouth.net
Now on to recent thoughts:
Lately a couple of our "regulars" had loved ones who have moved on (one is our Barb in a previous entry where she told about her dad- he has now gone on but chose for her to be with him at the time!). I have been touched that they have had the privilege to actually be with their loved one at time of passing. I FIRMLY believe that people make their choices if at all possible (someone on the field of battle or on an exploding airplane I don't believe can always say "Hmmm- I would like my Uncle Harry to be with me" but in most circumstances I think we can choose.- Read Final Gifts- a wonderful book by Hospice workers who would support what I am saying.)
First, I will say that when those we love leave their body behind, it is a SHOCK no matter how "expected" it might be. Therefore when we fawn over those people and treat them as if they have had a "shock" I think it is entirely appropriate. So do all the stuff- take food, send cards, call and let them cry, etc. It is lovely- nowhere is it done better than in the South I think!
I was able to be with my mother at the moment she left our world and it was extremely spiritual. I never was so certain of how our bodies are "containers" for our spirits and how powerful those spirits can be! I don't know if I will want to include my son during my own passing- I am very private (who would know? I'm so noisy!) so may choose to just exit- my dad did that. Nobody was with him and he just said "buh bye" and was out of there! Think he had glimpsed my mom and was going for it!
Anyway- my experiences with the dying and those left behind has never done anything but affirm my faith in our God. But send up prayers for those left behind ok? There are so many moments when it "sneaks up on you" and you are a puddle of tears before you know it. Mine was shopping for Christmas trees because my adorable dad and I always found the "Charlie Brown" one and got such joy out of the tinsel and lights. I have a artificial tree now and haven't gone for the live one in many years because I get so melancholy. Maybe when there are grandchildren in my life! Enough ramblings- if you are reading this, I love you. Sally
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